If I can live through this…

…I can do anything

Well, I turned another year older this past week. Somehow. The only things that feel 31 about me are my bones and my proclivity towards nostalgia; everything else feels like I’m stuck somewhere around 25. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. Nothing since then has gone anywhere close to the way I once planned.

Okay… I don’t think I ever had a plan. That’s my bad. #mybad

This November will mark 5 years of living in Texas, taking care of my Mamaw. This past February was the 3-year anniversary of starting my medical transition, this March the 4-year anniversary of discovering where the hints were leading all along. Time has definitely marched onward despite needing to drag me along kicking and screaming.

I feel like a lot of things have been very sudden– suddenly I find myself half-managing a mobile home park, suddenly I’m helping with ranch work, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly.

Reader, to be honest, I’m burnt out. I keep pushing myself because others can (so why can’t I), but genuinely I had two non-medical excursions last year that I can consider significant breaks (overnight)– my fraternity’s convention last spring and seeing My Chemical Romance in August. Currently I only have one scheduled this year, in September, and it’s just a weekend. I need, like, a week minimum.

Things aren’t all bad.

I was diagnosed with Celiac disease, I’m treating my sleep apnea again, I’m walking a little bit daily to try to get myself back in movin’ shape, I started a GLP-1… I’m trying to take care of myself, one piece at a time, because somehow I made it this far.

I’m trying to create more again. Maybe it’s not helping the burnout much, but I need to creatively output at this point for my own sense of… not totally wasting my life? I can’t really describe the feeling I get when I have no ideas or have ideas but no energy or time– it’s physical, deep in my skin, making me feel wrong.

I keep wanting to make plans too. I want to know where my life could possibly be going. Everything is so hectic, though, and my life is always shifting. I spent a year and a half with one guy trying to plan our lives together, that didn’t work out well. Honestly, if you ask me, I want a week back on Lake Ontario to heal a bit from the last 4.5 years, then I can talk about the rest of my life. Everyone else can have their plans for me for now, because I can’t take that vacation at all in the foreseeable future, so I’ll figure out my own path when I have more strength to do so.

…

Anyways if you’re reading this go watch Trigun Stampede and then Trigun Stargaze.