Big Consequences

Wolf

  • I just had surgery and I’d like to talk about it

    I just had surgery and I’d like to talk about it

    Hiiiii

    So I’m 30 years old at this point. I’m not new to surgeries at all– I had my tonsils out when I was like 5 for goodness sake. Tonsils then, tubal ligation in 2022, top surgery in 2023… I guess two of those were an option for me, you know? This last one was a little more out of my hands.

    Now the subject matter is a little bit TMI, especially so since I’m a transmasc person so talking about the parts of my body that politicians want to claim make me a woman is a little iffy. I will try to use the best terms I know for things.

    And never take my stuff here as medical advice.

    So if I were to take this in chronological order; this story starts in March of this year. Simply, I have the parts necessary for a Pap, and I hadn’t gotten one in 2-3 years. So I think I’ll go to this gynecologist I was referred to and just get it done with for a few years.

    I go and the nurse who attends to me is very considerate and sweet. For being in West Texas, there have been some real good medical practitioners re: my identity.

    So this nurse gets to checking around; anyone with this set of genitals probably knows what I mean. And she starts seeming a little bewildered. There’s some tissue in the way– I tell her I’ve been told of that before but they usually can get by it. So she readjusts and then through the speculum she says something like “Well now there’s something else in the way of your cervix. It looks like a cyst?”

    I’m like. Oh. Okay. That’s weird, I know about ovarian cysts but not ones directly there. So the nurse talks to the doctor and orders me just like a scan of some sort. I get those results back from the diagnostic center before the doctor talks to me about it.

    It said it’s fluid filled and looks like it may be something congenital. I’m like. Oooookay? So I talk to my mother about it, because I’m silly and talk to her about everything under the sun, and she says something about “it would have been noticed by now if it was congenital, just wait til your doctor gets to you about it.”

    That took about 2 weeks, maybe 3.

    So I got a phone call saying it’s definitely a cyst and they say if it’s causing me issues then they’ll refer me to someone who can do this particular kind of removal. The gyn I was seeing, as wonderful as that office is, mostly does deliveries and bladder slings, and I’d need a specialist.

    The first specialist they referred me to was in the DFW area, which is a metropolitan region that’s probably a little more accepting of queer identities, you’d think.

    This guy. My god. He completely brushed aside the talk about the cyst and said he was more worried about my uterine lining. I wanted to be like, uhh, I think I was told that stops building when you’re on T long enough. But he’s the medical dude so at the time I just let him order me an ultrasound of my uterus.

    The kicker? He did a manual exam, said he felt the cyst with his hand, and still thought ehhhh I don’t care.

    I felt like I had become someone’s medical curiosity in regards to the uterine lining thing.

    So I did the ultrasound back near home and it came out exactly as I thought it would, totally unremarkable in the uterus. So I cancelled my follow-up with that office and called my doctor again to get a new referral.

    The nurse heard my story and was appalled. Very gently, she said “Sometimes you just need someone who can sympathize with what it must feel like. Not to throw men under the bus-” I’m like oh I understand exactly what you mean and I’m inclined to agree right about now.

    So in about another week she set me up a referral to a doctor almost 3 hours west of me. I was like. O no.

    But to tell y’all the truth, this cyst has been bugging me and I don’t have an estimate for how exactly long. Random cramps, pain in specific times I won’t talk about publicly, stuff like that.

    So I go to this doctor the first time in June. That office is so wonderful immediately. They took my worries seriously, they wanted to check on if I was in other kinds of pain (your tissue down there gets brittle when you’re on T, y’know). They did all sorts of things like checking I didn’t have a low lying UTI or anything.

    The first thing we concluded is that the “tissue” I’ve been told about since people started examining me was not my hymen like I’d been led to believe but a septum. “Those are usually taken care of around the time menses start.” I’m like cooool I’m only 30 years old.

    They then decided to order me a proper MRI to see where the cyst was attached– from looking in they could only see a bit of it. They said there’s a chance it’s what’s called a Gartner’s cyst; a remnant of a duct that usually disappears in a later stage of fetal development. But they couldn’t be sure without the MRI. I said okay can I get that done back home. They said mmmm no, we want to look at the raw data ourselves.

    So I had to come back an get that in July.

    Then I had to come back again to get the results later that month.

    And oh my god I was bitching about travelling 3 hours every time but by the time I got to the office for the MRI follow up I very quickly became glad I had been making the effort.

    Let me show an artist rendition of the image that the doctor showed me.

    This is in fact traced over the original picture I had taken on my phone of the image from the MRI that my doctor showed me. I didn’t think anyone would believe the size if I didn’t have an image myself.

    It hit me like a brick. That fucker is almost as big as my squished up uterus and filled with fluid, most likely.

    So the doctor said “Considering the size and how it’s causing you discomfort, I’m guessing you’re opting for removal.”

    My voice cracked as I went “Uh, YEAH??”

    So that became the new leg of the process. July 28th I decided to get rid of this fucker.

    They scheduled me for pre-op tests on September 18th and then the operation on October 2nd.

    That itself was difficult. I’m a nearly 24-hour caregiver for my grandmother. If it wasn’t for the kindness of family and friends I wouldn’t be able to make these trips. Not to mention I’d need to have a ride and the only person I could have for that (in my knowledge at that time) was my dad, and he (in my knowledge at that time) works Monday-Friday. I’m like. Please help me. He agreed to help on the weekend of the 2nd.

    Pre-op was very sweet as well; questions, weight, blood, x-ray and ekg. Got me in and out before my appointment time was even scheduled for.

    Final step in my mind was that surgery. Up until the day of I was expecting something to happen to postpone the surgery, but hey, nope, at 6:30 yesterday morning I was in the car on the way to that hospital 3 hours away.

    I was scared. There are possible complications to any surgery, but as I laid there and the doctor went through all the necessary things for informed consent, I was almost getting cold feet. Possibility to injure the bladder or ureters, there were going to be sutures and bleeding for a while. I just had to think to myself “I’m taking care of my body.”

    I was in surgery for about 3 hours, so shorter than I had anticipated. When I woke up, my throat HORT. Which, duh, when you’re under general anesthesia they intubate you. I knew that. It doesn’t make it hurt less.

    I noticed I was suddenly wearing something new. Apparently post surgery bleeding required a pad and underwear.

    They offered me drink, I asked for Sprite. I wanted caffeine but they didn’t have Pepsi or Coke so Sprite was a good option to help me wake up.

    They told me it’s going to be a 6 week recovery process. No lifting, pulling, pushing, nothing heavier than 10 pounds at least. No tampons, nothing up there for at least 5 or so weeks, and the bleeding should stop by the end of the 3rd week. I laid there and possibly out loud said “Holy shit.”

    I had downplayed the surgery itself so hard in my head that I thought I’d be down a few days and be right as rain after the weekend. 6 WEEKS???

    Dad got the car and we drove the 3 hours back with me intermittently falling asleep in the passenger seat. It was impossible to stop the naps. My body just fucking knocked itself out.

    Got home, ordered food for Dad to go get for supper. I get Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to sleep in. Then back to work on Monday. I’ll probably take my post-op information to my boss since my job has semi-regular lifting involved.

    Today I was having some serious brain fog. I think it’s because I was refusing to take the pain meds. I didn’t feel pain the way I was expecting to, but I took one of the pills at about 1pm and my head cleared up. Couldn’t draw for shit though.

    Yaaaaay I tried

    I’m looking forward to being healed up. I think this will help a lot.

  • Homestucks get your unsealed body paint

    Homestucks get your unsealed body paint

    Alright folks it’s my time to make the first post in months. I’m very sorry. The vibe has been largely abysmal.

    This isn’t about the sad things, that’s another post. This is about HOMESTUCK – The Animated Pilot

    Maybe about Homestuck on a broader sense, who knows, I’m feelin’ spicy.

    [pause while I think of how I want to lay this out]

    So Homestuck notably started in 2009 and ended in 2016. I was there from about mid-2010 onwards. I was there when the old magics were written. I relished in upd8 culture, I watched websites crumble and crash for the zealous masses, I remember the stories of sharpie bath and unsealed body paint, I lurked Gigapause(dot)com during the long hiatus, I was a mod for a joke blog “Homestucks Against Homestuck” that was a rip off the Sonic-For-Real-Justice drama way back in the day (Mod Silver did nothing wrong).

    The things I somehow skirted around were the [kinnie drama] and the [online rp world] (besides ask blogs, I was so fascinated by those). I would later have my own contributions to the fandom. This fact is a mystery tool that will help us later.

    So needless to say when the animated pilot got announced, I felt a lot of emotions.

    First I was excited.

    Then the excitement got crushed tempered by people with concerns regarding the whole thing. A resurgence of the fandom, especially considering how poorly a lot of stuff aged as the years have passed [pause as I get distracted by the sound of my typing, hold on]

    Okay I got that out of my system.

    I decided after getting suuuuper bummed about my excitement being squarshed that I was going to go into this pilot with a tentative eagerness.

    And now I’m glad for that because GOLLY I enjoyed it. The animation looked good, the big gags were there, and I’m so happy they sound like teenagers. GODS am I glad they sound like teenagers. Me being this excited about that sounds weird but let’s bring back that “my contribution to fandom” thing.

    In 2023 I joined a Broadwaystuck (a la Broadway Karkat, you know, the Karkalicious one) revival. I was with them for almost a whole year and then for Reasons, I left. Then came a period of time I deeply regret; 2024 brought a lot of unnecessary stress in my online life which currently is my only escape from the Bad Vibes of Life. Then in like July or August of 2024 I became a parody musician again, then in February of 2025 I broke up with a long-distance relationship that had been pretty serious and I got “custody” of the Showtime group of blogs. Now the server is silent, and I look at that server icon with no small amount of sadness for the past 2 years of my life. I made a lot of mistakes, I made a lot of people upset, and by the end of it I lost almost everything I’d built in terms of friendships.

    There’s a lot I want to say on all that. Almost every morning, while I’m driving to work, I find myself rotating the cow (ruminating) about it all.

    You’d think I’d have dropped Homestuck completely by now, but I couldn’t if I tried. I don’t want to lose my love for the material and the fandom because of my interpersonal fuck-ups.

    ……..

    Anyway, deeply upsetting personal lore aside, that work as a shitty VA/musician in the name of Homestuck as a whole is why I appreciate how the kids sound so far. We were a bunch of adults playing the roles of characters we knew mostly as kids; and most of the voices in that cast were based on headcanon. Most were based on one person’s headcanons back in that first year.

    (Obligatory shameless plug of my two years of hard work archived)

    (Okay there’s a bit of shame for doing that)

    I hope the animated series gets picked up, with my whole heart I hope it. It’s going to be a bumpy ride in the fandom for sure; discourse and upset and bad takes are all going to be whipped up with the whole thing. But we’ve always been messy, clearly. As messy as the cons we amassed at and then became banned at for body paint causing property damage.

    As I close this post out, here, take this picture of me as Sollux in 2016.

    I don’t think I’ll ever publicly disclose everything when it comes to all that BWS-up-to-breakup stuff. I may want to, but I’ve caused enough undue emotional bullshit. If anyone who was ever involved wants to know more than “I’m sorry”, they can reach out privately, but I don’t expect anyone to.

    K, bye ♥️♦️♣️♠️

  • A Note to Those Who May Know Me

    SO. You’ve found me. I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you here toda– Just kidding.

    You probably are wondering why I have a site dedicated to me faffing about discussing things that don’t matter much “in real life” like fandom and stuff.

    Escapism is all I have right now. That’s the reason.

    I have willingly given up most of what have been and will probably be years of my life to taking care of my mamaw as she declines to Alzheimer’s.

    I have a paying job that has me work 13.5 hours a week, and the rest of my time is taking care of mamaw and the mobile home park owned within the family to earn my place to live and eat. I leave the house for groceries and doctors appointments and try to make time out of the house as sparse and short as possible. I have a few people I’m friendly with in the area, namely one person outside of the park and most everyone else being associated with work or the park.

    I wake up in the night frequently, I don’t have a social life off the internet, all my hobbies have to be done as close to mamaw as possible and a lot of this has manifested into some serious hypervigilance and leaning into poor coping mechanisms.

    Not to mention the world is going to shit outside of my tunnel.

    Escapism is probably the least of my problems. Being able to enjoy anime and silly fiction is a good distraction from feeling like there’s nothing left. It’s not a perfect release from stress– censorship is on the rise as the hemline index gets more concerning, commodifying fandom has ramped up harassment to an extreme, and I experienced a fandom-based social trauma within the past few years.

    But it’s better than always fixating on the real world and crumbling under political and personal pressure.

  • A Little Bit About My Online Sona

    A Little Bit About My Online Sona

    I feel more like a dragon in human skin than an actual person sometimes.

    Wolf, circa 2022

    I kinda lost track of where I wanted to start this lmao

    I logically know this is a very common experience, but I’ve always felt very… isolated? It’s like there’s a pane of translucent glass between me and my peers, and part of that is a genuine lack of understanding social rules and “unspoken contracts” between people. Growing up I had my waxing and waning phases on whether this quirky inability to blend in made my life hell or gave me a weird superficial popularity. Maybe that was genuine, but even in the height of my senior year of high school when I won prom court, I felt like I wasn’t connected to most of the people who even voted for me. I had a core group of friends and even in that there was someone trying to cuckoo bird me out for about a year.

    In college people liked me well enough, but I really attached to very few, and those few understood that I was…quirky. Thankfully the bachelors degree I was able to obtain was in Theatre, so being unique played strongly into success. Even then, though, I was socially uncomfortable to be around– I was told I have outbursts, I made crushes feel awkward, I went to parties and while everyone was pairing off and drinking I was hijacking the aux cord to DJ based on vibes.

    I graduated and chose not to walk the stage, I missed a chance to make that accomplishment feel real because I felt like I didn’t have anyone to enjoy the occasion with, and then I got a text from an ex-roommate saying she wishes she could have gotten pictures with me. I felt awful, I just seem to lose social cues so easily.

    Fast forward past 2017, past my attempt to finish a second bachelor’s degree that failed, into 2022. At that point I’d been living in Texas with my mamaw for about half a year. I get a chance to see Beetlejuice on Broadway with a close friend and another one of my past roommates from college. I kind of butchered that visit a number of ways, but I remember telling my friend that I don’t feel like a human a lot. I don’t understand people, I don’t have common sense in the common meaning of the phrase. I’m still unpacking in therapy the concept that common sense still needs to be taught at some point in the learner’s life.

    So I said vaguely that I might as well be a dragon in human skin, watching people and trying to learn through mimicry.

    And then I got back to Texas and what I said stuck in my head. And I started having fun with it.

    The first doodle I have that leads to the dragon critter comes from the end of 2022. I’d spoken with someone online who encourages me to express myself as freely as I want to– they suggested a color that might fit me since I have the color sense of a toddler (“MY FAVORITE IS PURPLE YAAAAAY”) and I drew a draft of person me with dragon aspects:

    But the critter came about as shorthand, sometimes for comedic effect and sometimes with genuine intent. That started around when I joined Broadwaystuck (early 2023).

    I tried to do bipedal designs sometimes–

    But for the most part I use the “critter form”. It became a comfortable shorthand for myself. And I draw it constantly.

    Nowadays when I do draw myself as a human, I keep some of the aspects of this critter too

    Simply, this has become part of how I choose to put myself forward and view myself for now, and has been for a few years. It’s comfortable and easy to wear

    From meme draw-overs and redraws to sporadic doodles, I’ve enjoyed this process. As much as I look back with dread at 2023-2024 for a number of reasons, I am very thankful I’ve gotten to explore some dorky form of expression throughout the Horrors.

  • Abilene Comic Con!

    Abilene Comic Con!

    (I’m 30 years old, I can say what cons I go to without worrying about doxxing myself it’s fine, shut up nervous brain voices)

    So.

    Anyone who knows me personally knows I’m ‘working’ as my grandmother’s caregiver. She has Alzheimer’s, which means I already give myself heart palpitations doing my 2-hour-a-day job to make any sort of money. So getting BREAKS??? Hard to do. I get a haircut and groceries and somehow everyone and their aunt needs me back at the ranch.

    So it was a little bit of a blessing to get some time today to go to Abilene Comic Con which is relatively local to me.

    Now. I’ve kind of forgotten how to do much of anything at this point, in regards to having a life off the computer. I used to go to cons with my friend and partner in theatre crimes back up north, but going to cons ALONE feels way different. Maybe it’s a ‘me’ thing? Like, I spend money, look at the people vaguely (recognizing that now that I have a beard and no bazongas I’m registered as more of a threat on peoples’ passive radars), and kinda. Lose track of anything else to do without anyone to share excitement with.

    Today, however… I was on a mission.

    I’d planned on coming to this con for a couple months now. But like. The excitement came when I saw the guest announcements for this year.

    Namely, admittedly, I was going to see Austin Tindle. I saw the Sonic franchise VAs and the Hazbin Hotel VAs in the announcements and also got pretty hype for those, but Austin Tindle was my “NO FUCKING SHOT” moment.

    I’m awful with names (and telling stories but we shut up about that) and so sometimes VA names get all squabbled in my head. Most of the VAs (besides Hazbin because I’m a fucking– I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING TO JOEL SWISS FUCKING CHEESE GODDAMNIT –nerd) I had to look up for other associated roles, but MR TINDLE. I learned about him because of my. Aforementioned-on-this-site obsession with Trigun STAMPEDE. And then I went “Oh what else did he do– Oh shit he’s the crazy kid (/affectionate) from My Hero”

    I needed to come to Abilene Comic Con. There was a driving Trigun-shaped force in my soul going “That man gets recognized for all the roles but I need to show up for Knives goddamnit”.

    So after piddling around my house with half the intent to schedule my day around my dad, I got a nudge from his fiancee to not do that and just go have a life for a bit? I’m like okay bet.

    I get to the convention center and I’m immediately like. Anxious, actually! I start apologizing to the bag check guys for my ita bag being full of stuff already, I wander around the exhibition hall with like, mild interest, but mostly I was looking for the guest signing areas.

    (Sorry local artisans and businesses I do wish I could have spent more money but again I have a 2-hour-a-day job for money)

    I turn a corner and I see the banners and I’m going “okay keep calm” to myself. Assess the situation. I saw the Hazbin actors (Joel Perez and Krystina Alabado) off on one edge of the corner, and all the others were lined up against the adjacent wall.

    And I do this thing, that is totally unbecoming of a 30-year-old man, and I sort of. Go past the Hazbin actors. Then stop. Then turn back. Then inspect the floor because there’s tape on the floor. Then look around. Then pace a little.

    It took two people going ahead of me to the money-handler for me to go okay cool I can just go up now. So I took a breath and looked at the sign for prices and I was like Oooookay I need to soothe the wild horses in my soul because I cannot afford more than 2 autographs today if they’re all going to be about $50.

    So I’m REALLY SORRY KRYSTINA YOU’RE WONDERFUL I HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE and I really wanted to say something specific to Joel anyways. (I feel guilty because there were like. Not many people at the booth at least at this time of the morning.)

    So the guy handling the money asks me what I’m looking for and I nervous-laugh because oh my fucking gods the Hazbin actors are really close to where I’m standing and I can’t even think (for extra context, I’m also a theatre kid at heart and those two have been in BROADWAY SHOWS, MAN). I say something like “Well, to be honest, I’m kind of broke,” and the guy says that saying Hi is free which is kinda sweet honestly, but I (stupidly) make sure autograph personalization was complimentary (it said so right on the sign dork) and go “I think I’ll get Joel’s autograph”.

    Then goes the whole “Who should he sign it to”

    and I go “uhh do I use my ‘actual’ name or my chosen name uhhhh go with Wolf”

    “Is that your chosen name?”

    “Yeeh”

    So I choose a print of the Vees all together (because I’m lowkey a huge Vox simp as well) and Joel starts chatting with me, and I’m like, SWEATING. He asks me if I watched Hazbin as it was coming out on Prime and I was like “YES I was watching it as soon as I could” without going into the whole “the episode ‘Dad Beat Dad’ actually made me hesitant to watch for a few weeks but then I bucked up and cried like a little idiot to More Than Anything and everything was FINE”

    So Somehow I end up saying what I’ve been thinking about stuff to him in regards to the fanbase.

    Something along the lines of “I really hate how people have been treating you because of your character”

    And he kinda just waved his hand and went “That’s just people on the internet stuff, it doesn’t bother me”

    And idk I probably didn’t need to say it but ever since the show came out and people were conflating Joel with Valentino’s very fictional actions, I’ve been wanting to give him an extra support boost. He doesn’t need it, I just thought it’d be nice. He even laughed and said “People seem to forget it’s not a documentary.”

    “Yeah, it’d be real freaky if there were spider people in the real world” wolf shut the fuck up please

    “And I’m not a 10 foot moth in real life!”

    He was a very good spirit, I feel a bit deflated any time I think of him and Krystina just sitting there if no one shows up for them because 🎵A show about Hell probably didn’t do that well in Abilene fuckin Texas🎵🎵🎵🎵

    Then I wandered down the lane of VAs and nearly, nearly went to the Sonic actors but by golly I had to save my second autograph for Austin Tindle.

    And at first go around I walked past him looking for his table, and I remember thinking “wait that’s Austin Tindle, where the fuck–“

    Because his table hadn’t been set up yet.

    So I circled around.

    Watched and hovered with the question “Do you need help setting up” on the tip of my tongue as he stumbled on the chair setting up his banner.

    Then some other people came in FAST to come talk to him and I was like, yeah go the hell ahead (I’m silently still wiping my forehead from the sheer panic that set in after stepping away from Joel)

    So I’m looking through his folio of prints to sign and I do see one (1) print of Millions Knives and I go yesssss. Though I look at my bank account and look at the prices and think to myself “If he has any Fancier Prints hiding away I absolutely will spend the lil extra for it. As a treat.”

    So Austin is very fun to talk to, and I really enjoyed chatting with him because that was like. That was some NERD SHIT on my part.

    I asked him if he had any more prints of Knives, anything like metallic or foil or anything maybe, he apologetically goes “I think what I have out is what I have for right now,” so I wave it off and tell him the number in the book that the one (1) Knives print was. And he says he’s glad someone is there for that character because there wasn’t as big of a reception at large for him as he’d hoped and I was like. Aghast. Like internally thinking sir is my Twitter/X feed that skewed that I have a wholly ridiculous over-estimation for how much people liked STAMPEDE. Is it truly that niche in actuality. Because I need to go on an advertising kick if that’s the case.

    So we genuinely started chatting! I said how Trigun STAMPEDE sort of turned into Trigun taking over my life, he asked if I saw the original show as a kid, I said No, I have a quote from ’98 on my shirt (Moving my bag strap so he can read that my shirt says:

    ✨Nifty Answer!✨
    sorry I asked

    and continue to say “I watched Stampede and got hit with the deep need to get into all of Trigun” and then explained how I’m taking my sweet ass time doing so.

    “I started reading the manga, it’s just taking me longer than it should,”

    And he kinda goes to say to enjoy it and savor it while I’m at it, and I go “Oh yeah, I’ve just got that ADHD thing where I keep getting distracted.”

    And he stops immediately mid-fiddling-with-the-payment-device (because the internet was definitely struggling) and fistbumps me

    I’m like :DDDD

    So somehow, ironically, the conversation led to me saying that I had picked up MHA Vigilantes recently and he asked me how I’m liking it and I go “I really like it so far! I’m enjoying how it poses more of that moral stuff that the original My Hero world kinda brought up,” and he’s nodding and agreeing, and I go “I just have to watch it like 2 episodes at a time as it comes out and it takes me 3 hours because I’m talking to my friends about it the whole time.”

    So he signs the Knives print and goes to hand it to me, I nod towards my debit card on the table and go “Did you… charge me?”

    and he goes “OH! You’re a good guy, Wolf, not everyone would have–“

    Meanwhile I’m reeling because haha I’m a good guy?? Me??

    He charged my card (and I don’t know if this part I should say publicly) and he goes “It’s normally $50, but I’m giving you a discount cuz you’re cool, so it’ll be $45 instead”

    And I’m just. I’m a good guy AND I’M COOL???

    I was in a daze leaving the con soon after that because I don’t have the money to get any of my long distance friends any gifts but I did something for me. And it went so fucking well.

    I need frames for these now. I need frames and I need the ability to physically upload actual memories from my brain to my computer.

    Cons are fun, support your local comic and anime conventions.

  • 30 years old and it feels so… feeling

    30 years old and it feels so… feeling

    Hiiii it’s meeeee the Birthday Boy.

    It’s currently, stream of consciousness, as I’m writing this, 7:30pm on April 7th. It’s my 30th birthday.

    Birthdays are deeply complicated, aren’t they? (Only if you make them, Wolf!) Shut up, imaginary peanut gallery. My birthday this year has been a thing I’ve sincerely… worried about, to put it lightly.

    Let me put this in context:

    • I spent almost all the time from age 11 to about 18 intensely depressed. Birthdays were a bit of a break from that; some years were good and some years were just “fake-it-til-you-make-it” theatrics.
    • Once I got into college, I still had a lot of problems with my mental health, but I was finding myself. I was getting better, slowly but surely. My birthdays became a celebration of “I may be on borrowed time, but by the gods I’ve made it this far and that’s a miracle”.
    • That continued for a while. I was celebrating each revolution around the sun because By golly I fought and continue to fight so hard for this
    • Now… I’m 30.

    In the sitcom Friends, I remember at least one of the group having an existential crisis over turning 30, and at 12 or so I was like “wow that’s weird, why would they do that?”. That was naive of me. There’s a sense of “I should be [there]” or “I should have done [this]” by now.

    My curse is thus: I can’t give anyone an answer to “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” but I can sure get to self-imposed lifetime deadlines and go “Well I have failed and therefore am worth less than I was a day ago”

    Did I have an altogether bad day? No! But it also felt. Sort of empty for most of it?

    Then I got a robo-text from the Misha Collins number that finished the birthday wish with “I’m glad you exist” and I spent exactly 3 minutes in the bathroom sobbing before sewing myself back up to make supper for my mamaw and myself.

    I am, however, very thankful for the things I do have. My friends may all be very far away but they make me very happy. My family drives me nuts but I’m making it work. My passion for a lot of stuff has not been killed yet, which is probably a bonus at my age now.

    It’s almost 9 now because I’ve been getting distracted, but it’s been somewhat positive distractions.

    For those who are younger and also dread 30 for any sort of reason– I know I went into why I have been, but honestly? We don’t really have to worry about those milestones and deadlines.

    Every new day is another chance to reach a goal.

    And life, and love, and having fun doesn’t stop at age 30. I just lost sight of it because I’m staring down Father Time and what he’s doing in my Mamaw’s case. But there’s a big difference between 30 and 84! I can’t spend all my time thinking like I’m also 84!

    Reader, don’t you get caught up staring down the barrel of your future either. You’ll miss out on today.

  • So That Was A Lie

    So That Was A Lie

    Why would anyone on the internet LIE to me? /sarcasm

    This? From my last blog post? Yeah, I’ve been keeping my eyes on the Toho Animation YouTube channel and it’s either region locked or the Twitter news was a LIE.

    I suppose that’s my bad for being gullible. The STARGAZE announcement and then-upcoming exhibition dazzled me so much I was willing to believe anything. Alas.

    Just came here to update y’all on my mistake honestly. And by “y’all” I mean “I know I don’t have anyone really checking in on this but I want to play accountable anyways”.

    Anyways check out this doodle of Vash I did oooo you wanna watch the show so baaaad

  • Why You Should Watch Trigun Stampede

    Why You Should Watch Trigun Stampede

    Omg hiii

    Yesterday I was online (as I am, chronically) and modern Trigun fans went NUTS over the new key visual for the Stargaze 2026 announcement.

    “Live and suffer” y’all I’m not gonna make it–

    I think it’s important for everyone to know that Toho Animation is releasing TRIGUN STAMPEDE for free on YouTube for a limited time coming up as of writing this post:

    • Episodes 1 to 3 – March 24 to 30, 2025
    • Episodes 4 to 7 – March 31 to April 6
    • Episodes 8 and 9 – April 7 to April 13
    • Episodes 10 and 11 – April 14 to April 20

    So I think I need to try to sell y’all on STAMPEDE now.

    And the only way I can think to do that is by talking about my experience, I guess.

    Imagine, if you will:

    It’s freshly the year 2023. Sometime Januaryish. Life is stressful, you’re doomscrolling Tumblr constantly. You’ve Heard of Vash the Stampede as a character before, of course, he’s existed since whenever the fuck and you’ve been around fandom spaces long enough to have experienced Karkat’s introduction live.

    But Januaryish of 2023 you see something that changes your life forever.

    You see this pathetic idiot (/affectionate)

    You’re like. Wait. That’s not Vash is it?

    So you have to go and watch the two episodes that are out by this point.

    Instant hook.

    So many factors worked against me in this case. I’m a sucker for a prettyboy MC, and my GODS he fits the bill. The fact I caught it early so I could do this weekly instead of feeling the pressure to binge. The gorgeous graphics, like really. I know a lot of people are so hesitant about computer graphics, and I was too, but they captured something so pretty and so lively even in a land so desolate.

    The decades-old fandom really helped bolster the account for me. Trigun fans are a special kind of insane and I’m so happy to have found that niche.

    STAMPEDE rearranged the very synapses in my brain. I finally took time to read the first 20 chapters of the manga recently as well. Every piece of news that I see coming out has me absolutely gnawing at my phone.

    New to Trigun especially, I would LOVE to say STAMPEDE is a WONDERFUL (I almost accidentally typed “wamderful” somehow?) introduction to the series.

    There’s only a few things I’d advise for if you were interested in it, a la “Does the Dog Die”–

    • In Stampede, there’s bugs. Like. Lot of bugs. If you can’t look at bugs? I’m sorry. Don’t do bugs.
    • A character shoots himself in the head at some point (ep. 7). Yes that’s a spoiler but I kind of wish I’d had a warning before I got to it myself because HOO BOY did I dissociate for 2 hours after that episode.
    • Religious trauma? Mmmmmm approach with caution.

    I could go on and do commentary on so much, but honestly my thoughts right now are very tangled. Maybe I’ll take them apart and do some coherent breakdowns later.

    Just give STAMPEDE a shot! It’s gonna be FREE for a short while!!

    LOVE & PEACE!!!!

  • So I Heard Y’all Like Burnin’ Witches (Not Really My Gosh)

    So I Heard Y’all Like Burnin’ Witches (Not Really My Gosh)

    Hi

    I figured if there was anything I’d do today, it’d be fulfilling what I said I’d do last night– Y’all get to see my silly goofy Intro to Tite Kubo’s BURN THE WITCH slideshow

    Now remember. We’re all gonna be real cool about things.

    All screenshots in the following slides come from the one-shot itself, the anime version to be specific which can be streamed on Crunchyroll, except for the one slide of Tite Kubo art of Noel and Ninny with their Witch Kits, which I believe is a color cover or spread from the manga version with Viz Media.

    I also did manage to get a video of Bruno using his magic because I’m a complete simp and needed a reason to go grab clips of him.

    I’m trying to highlight the spray can here. I think it’s a really neat method of magic dispersal. Please go watch BURN THE WITCH it’s so good mwah.

    Anyways there’s the slideshow straight as I gave it to my friends. That last slide uhhh you can ignore………. unless?

  • Hello World 2 – Electric Boogaloo

    This is MYYYYY actual first post– the other one is an IMPOSTER (It’s a template placeholder for building the site or whatever but I’m keeping it there for the bit for now)

    Silliness aside, it’s 8:30pm on the Ides of March (a yearly Tumblr tradition), it’s Saturday, and I’m tired. Not like, existentially, I don’t think. I mean just like honk shoo I need to sleep.

    Tomorrow I may share a slideshow I made to try and get my friends into a one-shot manga/anime. I’ve been slowly rotisserie-ing Burn the Witch the past few days in my head.

    Mr. Kubo how dare you make this a one-shot I need more. Also I really don’t understand what’s going on with Ninny’s whole deal in this cover but we don’t press it.

    Please look forward to me being super inconsistent and vaguely unwell with this blog. I love being silly. You’re all going to see me be extremely silly and you’re all going to be very cool about it, I just know it 🙂